C. Spot Runs

C. Spot Runs

CHILD:ย “See Spot run. Spot runs fast.”

UNIVERSITY STUDENT: “C. Spot runs. No wait! B.”

POLITICIAN:ย “Spot is running against me? But voters love dogs…”

SALESPERSON:ย “Running? Spot, see what this car can do for your commute.”

MARKETER:ย “See how Spot increased his walking speed by 400%.”

HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER:ย “Spot: Run like the wind.”

H.R:ย “I see on Spot’s LinkedIn profile that “running’ is his only skill. He does have 500 endorsements though.”

I.T:ย “See, Spot is running Windows 8. That’s the problem.”

PSYCHIATRIST:ย “Why are you running, Spot? Let’s walk together. Through your childhood.”

TEACHER:ย “Don’t let me see you running in the halls, Spot!”

COMEDIAN:ย “What’s Spot running from anyway? His drinking problem?”

REPORTER:ย “See Spot, allegedly rabid dog, chase after elderly white male.”

DRUG DEALER:ย “I don’t see why Spot ran. Was he holding?”

POLICE OFFICER:ย “Spot ran when he saw us. We were justified in our use of force.”

LAWYER:ย “In Spot’s defence, he was merely jogging.”

Now Hiring: MINIONS/HENCHMEN

Now Hiring: MINIONS/HENCHMEN

EVILLAIN INC.

Now Hiring: Minions/Henchmen

Do you have what it takes to be our underling?

  • Poor accuracy with a firearm. Canโ€™t hit a still target at point blank range.
  • Unquestioning loyalty. Even when your employer is aiming the Death Ray at Earth.
  • Basic hand-to-hand combat ability. At the basic level, you must have at least two hands.
  • A flexible schedule. Heroes invade our base at all hours of the day. You must be available at a momentโ€™s notice.
  • No real skillsโ€” aside from the ability to contribute to an ever-increasing body count.
  • A one-dimensional personality. Zero-tolerance for stealing the spotlight from your boss, especially during his lengthy monologues.
  • Little value for your life/wellbeing. Preferably a value less than $15/hour.
  • Bad guy material. Not just a good guy trying to sneak into our base.

Does this sound like you? Then you might have what it takes to be the newest addition to our ever-growing army of foot soldiers!

Benefits include an excellent dental plan and funeral coverage in the event of your (likely) deathโ€” however, we are currently in the process of expanding our in-house cemetery so a wait-list is in effect. You will also receive a free โ€œFeels Good to Be Badโ€ T-Shirt, and complimentary โ€œIโ€™m My Own Minionโ€ mug when you join our ranks.

All hires must sign a contract to waive our legal responsibility in case of accidental, incidental or disciplinary injuries. All potential employees must be comfortable wearing the company uniform at all times. Helmets come with a mouth slot for food entry (we are still working on breathing functionality).

Please send your resume and cover letter to our secret base at 135 Underwater Volcano Blvd. Your application will then be redirected to our actual location at 45 Moon Base Dr. in order to maintain the secrecy of our real secret base. We look forward to having you work under us.

*We are an equal opportunity employer, however for legal reasons we cannot employ you as a minion if you look like this:

minion-image