Now Hiring: Minions/Henchmen

Do you have what it takes to be our underling?

  • Poor accuracy with a firearm. Can’t hit a still target at point blank range.
  • Unquestioning loyalty. Even when your employer is aiming the Death Ray at Earth.
  • Basic hand-to-hand combat ability. At the basic level, you must have at least two hands.
  • A flexible schedule. Heroes invade our base at all hours of the day. You must be available at a moment’s notice.
  • No real skills— aside from the ability to contribute to an ever-increasing body count.
  • A one-dimensional personality. Zero-tolerance for stealing the spotlight from your boss, especially during his lengthy monologues.
  • Little value for your life/wellbeing. Preferably a value less than $15/hour.
  • Bad guy material. Not just a good guy trying to sneak into our base.

Does this sound like you? Then you might have what it takes to be the newest addition to our ever-growing army of foot soldiers!

Benefits include an excellent dental plan and funeral coverage in the event of your (likely) death— however, we are currently in the process of expanding our in-house cemetery so a wait-list is in effect. You will also receive a free “Feels Good to Be Bad” T-Shirt, and complimentary “I’m My Own Minion” mug when you join our ranks.

All hires must sign a contract to waive our legal responsibility in case of accidental, incidental or disciplinary injuries. All potential employees must be comfortable wearing the company uniform at all times. Helmets come with a mouth slot for food entry (we are still working on breathing functionality).

Please send your resume and cover letter to our secret base at 135 Underwater Volcano Blvd. Your application will then be redirected to our actual location at 45 Moon Base Dr. in order to maintain the secrecy of our real secret base. We look forward to having you work under us.

*We are an equal opportunity employer, however for legal reasons we cannot employ you as a minion if you look like this:


Sir John A. Had a Farm: Replacing “O Canada”

Canada. There is plenty to admire about it. People across the world love us. We’re the home of lacrosse and the Pizza Pop.  The US envies our abundance of Lays ketchup chips. We are a proud people known for our friendliness, passion for hockey and our beer swilling ways—when the Irish aren’t around. On any list of “Best Countries to Live In”, Canada easily ranks in the top 5.  But what stops Canada from being a patriotic nation that stands united is one depressing fact: nearly 70% of high school students do not know the lyrics to “O Canada”―Canada’s official national anthem since July 1, 1980― despite hearing it every morning before class. Continue reading “Sir John A. Had a Farm: Replacing “O Canada””

A Dude’s Five-Step Guide to (Easier) Relationships:

A Dude’s Five-Step Guide to (Easier) Relationships:

*This is not a guide on how to make relationships work, but how to make relationships less work. I bear no responsibility for any break-ups, divorces, cases of infidelity, broken dinnerware projectiles, and changes of sexual orientation that may result from following these steps*

Continue reading “A Dude’s Five-Step Guide to (Easier) Relationships:”