Now Hiring: Minions/Henchmen
Do you have what it takes to be our underling?
- Poor accuracy with a firearm. Can’t hit a still target at point blank range.
- Unquestioning loyalty. Even when your employer is aiming the Death Ray at Earth.
- Basic hand-to-hand combat ability. At the basic level, you must have at least two hands.
- A flexible schedule. Heroes invade our base at all hours of the day. You must be available at a moment’s notice.
- No real skills— aside from the ability to contribute to an ever-increasing body count.
- A one-dimensional personality. Zero-tolerance for stealing the spotlight from your boss, especially during his lengthy monologues.
- Little value for your life/wellbeing. Preferably a value less than $15/hour.
- Bad guy material. Not just a good guy trying to sneak into our base.
Does this sound like you? Then you might have what it takes to be the newest addition to our ever-growing army of foot soldiers!
Benefits include an excellent dental plan and funeral coverage in the event of your (likely) death— however, we are currently in the process of expanding our in-house cemetery so a wait-list is in effect. You will also receive a free “Feels Good to Be Bad” T-Shirt, and complimentary “I’m My Own Minion” mug when you join our ranks.
All hires must sign a contract to waive our legal responsibility in case of accidental, incidental or disciplinary injuries. All potential employees must be comfortable wearing the company uniform at all times. Helmets come with a mouth slot for food entry (we are still working on breathing functionality).
Please send your resume and cover letter to our secret base at 135 Underwater Volcano Blvd. Your application will then be redirected to our actual location at 45 Moon Base Dr. in order to maintain the secrecy of our real secret base. We look forward to having you work under us.
*We are an equal opportunity employer, however for legal reasons we cannot employ you as a minion if you look like this:
Dear Grammar Nazi,
I know you mean good.
You think your protecting the sanctity of the English language.
But I think your actually turning people of from it. Theirs so much more to language then just spelling and grammar. Theres rhetorical style and content, invention and innovation, evolution and context. And I think threw you’re approach, Grammar Nazi, your doing for English what the real Nazis did for Germany: your giving people a reason to hate something that could otherwise be pretty cool.
Bye saying “you cant say or spell it like that or else your stupid”, you forget, Grammar Nazi, that theirs “descriptive” grammar as well — the informal and intimate kind people use in certain groups when they care little for a “academic” or “professional” appearance. Have you never been moved by words from a rapper who sacrificed syntax to make a verse rhyme? Have you never acknowledged a valid point made in broken English you might of found in a lowly YouTube video comment section? Have you never broken the “rule of three” because you couldn’t think of a third example? By telling someone they shouldnt ever speak or write that way is like telling someone eating at Mcdonalds not to slouch— theres no need for either of you to impress anyone where you dont have to. Theres a time and place for everything.
I know these mistakes can, make it hard to read. But aren’t you smart enough to know from the context when “the polar bear ate their father” (describing a camping tragedy to the police) and when “the polar bear ate there, father” (talking to a priest about where a bear had brunch)? Isn’t communication kind have what matters the most? Granted, maybe a missing coma can put someone in a comma if its a doctors prescription or something important. But in a casual text message or mundane post on the internet, its harmless if just a bit less efficient to read.
English can be a vastly complicated language and, say you live in Canada like me, your even expected to follow certain rules for standardised spelling. Some “rules” are even myths. They say never end a sentence with a preposition, but alot of times you have to. For all intensive purposes you can live without semi-colons, colons can be cumbersome, and even graduates of Oxford might neglect the Oxford comma to save space in a tweet.
And above all, given our perfectly human capacity to err, I think 90% of the time your not being a Grammar Nazi so much as a Typo Nazi. And while a typo can ruin a person or business’s credibility to someone with a keen eye, I’m not afraid to admit that some of my mistakes here might be unintentional. At the very least, can you admit that you want to correct them because it makes you feel sort have smart?
A avid lover of English
PLEASE SPREAD SARCASM AWARENESS!
Stop whatever you’re doing right now. Drop everything. Yes, even if it’s a priceless antique or a baby. I need your undivided attention to discuss with you a matter of utmost seriousness.
Continue reading “Please Spread Sarcasm Awareness”
Canada. There is plenty to admire about it. People across the world love us. We’re the home of lacrosse and the Pizza Pop. The US envies our abundance of Lays ketchup chips. We are a proud people known for our friendliness, passion for hockey and our beer swilling ways—when the Irish aren’t around. On any list of “Best Countries to Live In”, Canada easily ranks in the top 5. But what stops Canada from being a patriotic nation that stands united is one depressing fact: nearly 70% of high school students do not know the lyrics to “O Canada”―Canada’s official national anthem since July 1, 1980― despite hearing it every morning before class. Continue reading “Sir John A. Had a Farm: Replacing “O Canada””