Confession: I am a Homophobe

 

homophobia

I hate them. They disgust me. I go out of my way to avoid them. Homophones.

Can you believe that they exist? I mean, two same-sounding words? That shouldn’t happen. Bare and bear? It’s unnatural. We ought to rid the world of them before any real damage is done, before our children get confused.

“Daddy, why does Mr. and Mr. Stevenson’s DVD player spell it “Pause” instead of “Paws”?

“Well you see, son, sometimes a word can sound the same as another word, but it can mean something else. Sometimes we might even spell it differently…”

Have fun explaining that to your kids.

And I hear people rally in their support?  Why don’t they see where people like me are coming from? It’s “Adam and Eve”, not “Atom and Eave”! I’m okay with synonyms, but why do these damn homophones have to sound the same?

I’m sorry to vent, but I hate how society likes to label my honest disgust as “homophobic”. I’m entitled to my opinion; it’s not like I’m being sexist or racist. It’s not like homophones are people.

What? You’re going to say that I’m wrong, that I’m not entitled to my opinion?

I am wrong?

Homophobia is the fear and hatred of people who prefer relations with the same sex?

But that’s just being an asshole. How can you hate someone you don’t know?

Advertisements

Now Hiring: MINIONS/HENCHMEN

Now Hiring: MINIONS/HENCHMEN

EVILLAIN INC.

Now Hiring: Minions/Henchmen

Do you have what it takes to be our underling?

  • Poor accuracy with a firearm. Can’t hit a still target at point blank range.
  • Unquestioning loyalty. Even when your employer is aiming the Death Ray at Earth.
  • Basic hand-to-hand combat ability. At the basic level, you must have at least two hands.
  • A flexible schedule. Heroes invade our base at all hours of the day. You must be available at a moment’s notice.
  • No real skills— aside from the ability to contribute to an ever-increasing body count.
  • A one-dimensional personality. Zero-tolerance for stealing the spotlight from your boss, especially during his lengthy monologues.
  • Little value for your life/wellbeing. Preferably a value less than $15/hour.
  • Bad guy material. Not just a good guy trying to sneak into our base.

Does this sound like you? Then you might have what it takes to be the newest addition to our ever-growing army of foot soldiers!

Benefits include an excellent dental plan and funeral coverage in the event of your (likely) death— however, we are currently in the process of expanding our in-house cemetery so a wait-list is in effect. You will also receive a free “Feels Good to Be Bad” T-Shirt, and complimentary “I’m My Own Minion” mug when you join our ranks.

All hires must sign a contract to waive our legal responsibility in case of accidental, incidental or disciplinary injuries. All potential employees must be comfortable wearing the company uniform at all times. Helmets come with a mouth slot for food entry (we are still working on breathing functionality).

Please send your resume and cover letter to our secret base at 135 Underwater Volcano Blvd. Your application will then be redirected to our actual location at 45 Moon Base Dr. in order to maintain the secrecy of our real secret base. We look forward to having you work under us.

*We are an equal opportunity employer, however for legal reasons we cannot employ you as a minion if you look like this:

minion-image

A Open Letter to Grammar Nazis

A Open Letter to Grammar Nazis

Dear Grammar Nazi,

I know you mean good.

You think your protecting the sanctity of the English language.

But I think your actually turning people of from it. Theirs so much more to language then just spelling and grammar. Theres rhetorical style and content, invention and innovation, evolution and context. And I think threw you’re approach, Grammar Nazi, your doing for English what the real Nazis did for Germany: your giving people a reason to hate something that could otherwise be pretty cool.

Bye saying “you cant say or spell it like that or else your stupid”, you forget, Grammar Nazi, that theirs “descriptive” grammar as well — the informal and intimate kind people use in certain groups when they care little for a “academic” or “professional” appearance. Have you never been moved by words from a rapper who sacrificed syntax to make a verse rhyme? Have you never acknowledged a valid point made in broken English you might of found in a lowly YouTube video comment section? Have you never broken the “rule of three” because you couldn’t think of a third example?  By telling someone they shouldnt ever speak or write that way is like telling someone eating at Mcdonalds not to slouch— theres no need for either of you to impress anyone where you dont have to. Theres a time and place for everything.

I know these mistakes can, make it hard to read. But aren’t you smart enough to know from the context when “the polar bear ate their father” (describing a camping tragedy to the police) and when “the polar bear ate there, father” (talking to a priest about where a bear had brunch)? Isn’t communication kind have what matters the most? Granted, maybe a missing coma can put someone in a comma if its a doctors prescription or something important. But in a casual text message or mundane post on the internet, its harmless if just a bit less efficient to read.

English can be a vastly complicated language and, say you live in Canada like me, your even expected to follow certain rules for standardised spelling. Some “rules” are even myths. They say never end a sentence with a preposition, but alot of times you have to. For all intensive purposes you can live without semi-colons, colons can be cumbersome, and even graduates of Oxford might neglect the Oxford comma to save space in a tweet.

And above all, given our perfectly human capacity to err, I think 90% of the time your not being a Grammar Nazi so much as a Typo Nazi. And while a typo can ruin a person or business’s credibility to someone with a keen eye, I’m not afraid to admit that some of my mistakes here might be unintentional. At the very least, can you admit that you want to correct them because it makes you feel sort have smart?

Sincerely,

A avid lover of English