PLEASE SPREAD SARCASM AWARENESS!
Stop whatever you’re doing right now. Drop everything. Yes, even if it’s a priceless antique or a baby. I need your undivided attention to discuss with you a matter of utmost seriousness.
Never mind a struggling economy, famine in the third world or whatever crazy celebrity baby name is trending on Twitter. There is an invisible epidemic taking the world by storm: sarcasm.
Sarcasm (noun): Witty/ironic use of language to convey scorn, a helpful tool in the modern social interaction (absolutely necessary on the internet)
Sar-chasm (noun): The deep figurative canyon of verbal irony that separates stupid people from smart people. There is much debate between heavy and non-users of sarcasm as to who stands where.
Sargasm (noun): When she says “oh it feels so good” but is dry as a desert down there, and her eyes roll around instead of back.
Did you know that 1 in 3 reported deaths are associated with sarcasm, most of which occur when people are bored at work or school? Not only that, sarcasm is also the leading cause of made-up statistics and looking foolish in gullible people. The truly frightening fact, however, is that our young (ages 13-24) are most at risk of contracting sarcastic tendencies!
For these reasons, schools should—no, must— teach our youth about sarcasm. I am urging an educational reform that introduces sarcasm at a younger age to teach young people to be aware of it in their day-to-day lives.
By teaching our youth about sarcasm, we can stop sarcasm-related tragedies before they happen. We can reduce instances of talentless individuals pursuing musical careers because they mistook a sarcastic YouTube comment for encouragement.
By incorporating structured “Sarcasm Classes” into the education of our children, we can teach them at a young age to more easily identify sarcastic intent in cases like:
- “Kim Kardashian is a positive role model for young women everywhere, showing girls that you don’t need talent to be successful: only a sex tape and a little carelessness.”
- “That was the best movie since M. Night Shyamalan’s take on The Last Air Bender.”
- “I love commuting. I bet when you die, you go to heaven on one of these cramped buses that smell like wet socks”
Children will recognize sarcasm in these situations by learning strategies such as: looking out for eye-rolling, listening for elongated vowel sounds, and realizing that no sane person would seriously say such things.
Do your part to ensure that future generations can grow up aware of sarcasm and its dangers, before a child is shot in the head because he told a friend he’d prefer it over doing his math homework.
Please spread the word about the existence of sarcasm. It could totally save a life.