A Dude’s Five-Step Guide to (Easier) Relationships:
*This is not a guide on how to make relationships work, but how to make relationships less work. I bear no responsibility for any break-ups, divorces, cases of infidelity, broken dinnerware projectiles, and changes of sexual orientation that may result from following these steps*
- This first step is important: ask her out on Februrary 29th to ensure you only need to worry about anniversaries every 4 years. Also, you’d have successfully dodged a potential Valentine’s Day. Two birds, one stone. From me to your wallet: you’re welcome
- When taking your lady out for dinner, always offer to pay. Now hold on. I’m not saying to actually do it, just to offer. In an effort to be polite, she will probably refuse your generous offer. Whereas a gentleman might disregard her refusal and pay for both (with a big tip on top), you should merely ask her “are you sure?” Women, or anyone for that matter, will rarely change their mind at “are you sure?” -unless, of course, they’ve read this guide, or are wrestling with a multiple-personality disorder. Do this properly et voila: the bill will be split, and you’ll have appeared generous without actually having to be generous. If she does accept your offer to pay first time around then there is always the forgot-wallet-in-other-pants/jacket/car/dimension excuse, or even the more traditional Dine-n-Dash-n-Never-Come-Back exit strategy. If using the latter, just make sure you don’t take her to your favourite restaurant.
- If she calls you to vent about her problems while you’re maintaining your kill-streak in Call of Duty, or taking an arrow to the knee in Skyrim, you don’t have to turn off your Xbox. Repeat any of the following phrases at regular intervals: “yea”, “oh wow”, “I don’t believe that”, “no way”, “why”, “how come”, and other neutral ambiguities. Attention, you see, is a price easier faked than paid. Your Kill/Death Ratio will never be higher.
- You can hurry up those long, arduous shopping excursions with your Miss by aggressively agreeing if she asks you if something looks good. Play the sales associate like you’re paid only commission; convince her that whatever she touches would looks great on her. Even if you know nothing about women’s clothing and can’t tell the difference between a tube top and a sweatband for people with massive foreheads. And if that leopard-print flannel shirt happens to clash with those purple jeggings, then it’ll at least deter other guys from talking to her. The important thing is the sooner she finds what she’s looking for, the sooner you can get out of there.
- Apologize. Always. Whether it’s her fault or yours, whether you’re right or she’s wrong, the quickest way to end an argument is an apology, no matter how absurd her argument. Even if she gets mad at you for thinking gravity is real, you better say sorry and start floating. Pride is just a small price to pay for a little silence (which is golden, don’t you know?). If she’s mad you gave your number out to a girl you just met, then an apology might not work as well. Try some misdirection instead: a funny video of a domestic animal playing the cello, or an online sale on high heel shoes. *Caution: this second strategy has only been tried with success against specimens with mild to severe ADD. .
This concludes my five-step guide to better deal with your woman or women (for the polygamists/adulterers/skilled multi-taskers). Because the only time a relationship should involve labour is when she’s in it and about to deliver a baby.
*Sarcasm and satire aside, relationships need you to put work in for them to work out. They’re a two-way street of attention, appreciation and ass-loads of effort. They can also make life better and more fun, rather I think that’s the whole point of them. Or maybe relationships are just trial and error for something longer lasting for either the both of you or just you alone. Cut each other some slack now and then, and take nothing for granted. No man or woman is perfect and when you put two of them together, there’ll be a whole slew of imperfections. But I think you can work at almost anything to try to make it a bit better, if not less bitter. Sacrifices can become compromises, and petty fights can become passionate nights. And for those instances of romance that don’t last, remember that temporary isn’t necessarily a bad thing; life itself is just a sequence of moments that seem to last but always end. Chances are you’ll find someone, or maybe already know someone that you’d like to share these fleeting moments with.